Breaching the impenetrable wall!

Floundering, through life, through my travels, what can be inspirational about that? When once I stood proud and firm now I dither, uncertain of what to do and how to do it. When those around me see me as exemplary I falter, when you admire, I despair. How I yearn for those days, that time when I soared the peaks of the American wilderness, riven in two, yet living life with every ounce of my being. How magnificent the simplest of nature’s gifts, how beautiful, how precious every minute of life became. Time is the great healer everybody assured me, yet it doesn’t heal the wounds, it doesn’t bring back that which matters most, it merely deadens the feelings. And so with four years gone life goes on, but what quality is that life? Feck all, absolutely feck all! Take what you may from me, strike me with whatever curse you see fit, but give me but a minute of that previous life, give me but one moment to savour that which I have lost. (Photo: Ravine at the end of the Great Wall - Jia Yu Guan, Gansu Province, China)

Why should we want to lose that strength of feeling, who would want to lose the depth of love that meant so much? None of us do, yet we kid ourselves that all is well, that life goes on. It may well do, but what is life if it is valueless? What worth does it have if it is meaningless? My biggest fear is becoming a sad lonely old man, it doesn’t matter where I am, what adventure I kid myself I’m having, I’m still on my own. So many countries, so many previous adventures I relished being there alone, living life to the fullest. And now, no matter where I go, who I encounter, the experience is empty. Not wasted, never deplete, but alone and empty. I tire of being so, I hunger to share the pleasures and hardships of living as I once did with my son. None will ever replace him, no-one ever could, yet something, somehow to give it all meaning would help. I don’t ask for a miracle, I don’t wish for electronic love, I know I can no longer have my son, but please can’t I have something worthwhile. (Photo: Reconstruction of battle encampment - Jia Yu Guan, Gansu Province, China)

(Photo: Reconstructed end of the Great Wall - Jia Yu Guan, Gansu Province, China)

I know how lucky people think I am, and what person with travel in their heart wouldn’t, unless I drop the bombshell of losing Cai. That makes people think twice. It seldom happens though, I prefer to meet people and allow them the pleasure of seeing me as fortunate, not as a sad and broken man. Having tried to give balance to my observations, I now find myself in a position where I feel the criticism is taking over, that nothing is good enough. That’s not right, or desirable. I need to dig deeper, or so the initial thought dictates. Actually I need to lighten up, to let go the constant critique, allow the pleasure of life to enter my soul. And so I now undertake a new challenge, to make this journey worthwhile. My eyes have remained fully open, but my heart has formed an impenetrable barrier around it, fending off further hurt. This action in itself is the cause of where I’m at within myself, I must be brave and open up to the beauty and goodness in life; there is so much there, if I only allow myself to feel it. (Photo: Reconstructed end of the Great Wall - Jia Yu Guan, Gansu Province, China)

No longer as adamant about fending off approaches by people who may be touting for tourist dollars, I find more opportunities can actually come my way. It can be a fine balance, some people are very persistent, and these are often the one’s to avoid. Pushiness appals me, I won’t tolerate it, but no longer will I be rude, just persistent in my refusal to comply. Sometimes I drop my guard, and sometimes I’m right to do so. Arriving at a busy transit point where unable to read any signs, understand the simplest information, it confusing and it obviously shows in my demeanour. This is new for me, it leaves me vulnerable, and people pick up on it. But I have in the past allowed a rickshaw or taxi driver to take me to a hotel, for a nominal fee, I always reserve the right to refuse. Twice now in China I forsaken that right, I’ve not bothered to argue over a higher class of hotel than I envisaged, insisting on a lower budget alternative. Both times the hotels were actually quite nice, and a heavy discount from their advertised rate was given. The first I wrote about in my last blog entry, in Jia Yu Guan the circumstances were similar, the hotel looked lush and was only £25 a night. I was a bit disappointed once booked in, for a start the room hadn’t been cleaned after the last guests, which wasn’t a good start for the staff. In all honesty though, the staff were beside themselves when I summoned them into my room and pointed it out. (Photo: Reconstructed end of the Great Wall - Jia Yu Guan, Gansu Province, China)

Also in Jia Yu Gaun a restaurant owner started to chastise me for not ordering food for my driver too. I knew what she meant, but I wasn’t playing the game. Stating simply that I didn’t understand, she continued. The driver understood a little English, when I reiterated that no matter how fast and furious she spoke to me I could not understand a single word of it. And with this I turned round to him and asked what the problem was, also whether he was not eating as well. Whatever he said to her did the, she instantly changed and was all smiles and respect to me. They both hovered and seemed keen to know whether the food was to my liking. My words must have contradicted my actions, the Chinese find it polite to slurp and eat as noisily as possible, it shows appreciation of the food. It must have been obvious though, I devoured everything in double quick time, despite using chopsticks. When finished she was ecstatic with me, overjoyed, pumping my hand manically with an inane grin on her face. My assumption was the driver had pointed out that I was an ignorant foreigner, who didn’t understand the polite custom of feeding your driver too. If that was the case she would have lost face by chastising me so furiously when I knew no better, I was insulting only in my innocence. (Photo: Guan City Fortress - Jia Yu Guan, Gansu Province, China)

Clearly I’ve been taking the easy way to tour the tourist sights in the last few places I’ve visited. By doing so I’ve felt more relaxed, less hassled, and saved a lot of energy. I normally deplore the habit converting local currency into pound sterling, it makes everything sound much cheaper. But China is hard enough anyway, I’d done it the hard way since arriving, it tired me out. In reality £14 is a lot of money for a Chinese taxi driver. For me it is more than worth the price to be driven all day, from one site to another, in relative comfort. I saved enough energy to enjoy the sites I saw, though even that way I was shattered by the end of a very hot and long day. Six and a half hours of being chauffeured around was worth it alone, to be taken to buy my onward ticket, therefore shown where the bust station was and ensured I had the right ticket for the right destination was invaluable. I could rest assured the following day would not start with any complications. And sure enough, all I had to do was show my bus ticket to a different taxi driver and he knew exactly where to take me. (Photo: Tourists dressing up for a photo shoot- Jia Yu Guan, Gansu Province, China)

So I don’t really begrudge the expense of biting into mainstream tourism. As a back packer, carting my heavy rucksack around in the scorching sun, it’s not pleasant. I don’t want to traipse the streets so burdened, looking for a hotel that might take a foreigner. For one thing it gives my knees grief, for another I want to enjoy this experience.